Cuttlefish
Fall into pairs like two ugly fish,
too rare for extinction I know.
The veins in your hand felt sort of
like summer.
- Paper Scars by Lovedrug
They were stretched out with the grass betwixt their fingers, the sun warming their faces and any skin that was left uncovered. She was wearing a gingham dress and Mary Jane’s, the scuff-marks on the toes obvious on the toes. A yellow ribbon held her ginger curls away from her face. His jeans held far too many holes that fingers could slide into and his plaid green shirt bled right into the lawn. The stripes of white like division of land.
They were holding hands and looking up at the sky.
“Have you ever been on a carousel?” She broke the silence. “I feel like I’m on the carousel, going round and round, up and down, but I wasn’t supposed to get on, I was supposed to ride the tilt-a-whirl or get in the teacups but I forgot, and the ponies looked like so much fun. I just had to try, just once. And now, now I can’t get off. It ever feel like that to you?” She has twisted slightly so she can look at him. Her face scrunched.
He sighed deeply, his chest undulating from the effort of having to push air from his lungs.
“Nah. It’s more like jumping off the pier for me. Especially at night. You know what’s gonna happen, you jes can’t quite see where to put your feet.” He smiled. “But I like surprises. And don’t that carousel get a bit dizzy, I’d imagine I go tumbling off after awhile.”
She squeezed his hand. The warmth of the sun had now curled like molasses around her heart.
“Getting dizzy is the best part.” She sits up too fast like always and fixes her gaze out on the ocean in front of her, and how the waves crest white.
Her mouth broke into a huge grin when she heard him laugh and say, “You would know, darlin’.”
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I like this, its cute! But there were a couple of jarring points:, like "Mary Jane’s, the scuff-marks on the toes obvious on the toes" - the repetitive use to toes got to me a little. And I didn't really like "Her face scrunched" - perhaps "Her face wrinkled in thought"? Maybe its just me. Great piece!
The reason "The stripes of white like division of land." sounds odd is because there is no verb in the sentence.
I love your description, and the characters seem well-rounded, but otherwise there's not much else to say of something so short.
I do think I was having issues with verb tense. Gah! Makes me think my brain was being purposefully militant.
Thanks for pointing all those things out, hon. Who knows maybe I'll go somewhere with this.
Maybe if I change it to: like divisions of land. it would work better...
Ta,
Cal.
The passivity of that statement really detracts from the powerful imagery you have. I'd suggest changing "was wearing" to "wore."
Are you missing an article in there? It makes sense, but feels incomplete.
There's that passivity again! *thwops Cal*
o0. Well, it's a strong verb, but a very bizarre choice. "Undulating" always makes me think of something like a snake or whatnot. Puts a really interesting spin on that image, lol--adds a whole 'nother dimension!
Hee--I like their verbal eccentricities, and even though it's a very vague snippet, you give me enough information about the characters to make them likeable, without drowning us in information. ^^ Lovely.